The Meaning of Love

Parehuia Tutua-Nathan, home-maker, mather of five children, author of “Woman as the Ridgepole of the Family”, New Zealand

May 2, 2000

Tags: I do not speak as an authority on love and marriage. However, I have come to feel that sense of authority, or perhaps conviction, that one feels when dealing with a topic so very close to the heart. If I had to tell you something about love and the richness of married life fifteen years ago, I would have told you something quite different from what I am about to share with you today.

1. In the Beginning
My husband and I met at high school when we were both very young. Apart from his looks, he also had other good qualities and credentials. He was very athletic, winning the school cross-country two years in a row, he played rugby and basketball in the school’s top teams, and he was the school’s head prefect. It seemed like the perfect match as I was deputy head prefect. We were very much in love and we attracted a great deal of interest from our peers, not to mention the teachers! In fact, we were a bit like the “Charles and Diana” of our day being hunted by the “paparazzi”!

2. Marriage
We were together three years when we began to talk about marriage for the first time. We got so much enjoyment out of being together and we had come to know each other pretty well by now, we were ready for marriage — the golden stamp of approval. If we could be happy together for this long, imagine how it would be for the rest of our lives! However, we opted for a big fancy wedding and since we were just embarking on our first degrees with very little money, we decided to wait until we were earning enough to finance our own wedding. That would mean waiting another three or four years. Our friends assured us that we were making the right choice — that there was no need to rush into marriage, that we would have even longer to get to know each other before we took “the plunge”.

3. Getting to Know Each Other
As time passed, we grew confident that we knew each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Naturally, we had occasional disputes and arguments. I thought that he was very untidy and he would accuse me of being too fussy and bossy. I thought he had the most bizarre cooking methods and taste for food, and I was always quite forward in telling him. Sometimes, if I felt that I was not gaining any mileage in the argument (that is, if I was losing), I would deliver the “silent treatment”, bang a few cupboards and pots, or nag incessantly. Once I even tried pretending to run away. I waited on the outside stairwell where it was very cold and dark for him to come and apologize to me. Nothing happened. I gave up, swallowed my pride and walked inside confidently to find him in exactly the same position that he was in when I left him 20 minutes earlier! And all he could say with a very cheeky grin was, “Did you put the garbage out while you were out?!”

As we grew to know each other more, we would sometimes argue over the most trivial of things, and we never really resolved issues. I was still very good at winning the argument by applying the “silent treatment”. Sometimes it went on for several days. Just keep quiet for a few days and the problem would melt away! In fact we grew rather accustomed to this style of settling disputes. We let them dissolve away. We either couldn’t be bothered arguing, or were afraid to go deeper for fear of hurting each other’s feelings.

4. Children
The topic of children became taboo. That was right about the time when Tikitu announced that he wanted enough children to form a rugby team! I would always rebuke stubbornly with the response, “No, two children at the most!” Besides, we had become very accustomed to this lifestyle where we were beginning to earn money, enjoy life, and basically have a whale of a good time! We wanted to enjoy this for as long as possible. And we were far too young to settle down, or be “tied down” with children. The need to capitalize on my independence was paramount. The images that I had of motherhood were: crying babies with oatmeal in their hair, spilt milk and butter smeared into the carpet, and mothers that looked like the walking wounded, trying to control a temper tantrum in the aisle of the supermarket. I couldn’t possibly see myself trading my comfortable existence and weekend sleep-ins after a long week at the office, for a pile of dirty diapers, sleepless nights, sticky fingerprints all over the glass table, and endless scatterings of toys throughout the house. I was probably the more resistant one because I had come to believe that it is always the woman who has to give up her independence and freedom for the sake of the children — not the man.

We always knew that someday we would want children and we agreed that marriage had to come first because it seemed like the “proper” thing to do, and that there were social taboos associated with bearing and raising children out of wedlock. We weren’t aware of any deeper reasons for it. We just knew we weren’t ready and were content to just “deal with it” later. I guess we figured that it belonged in the “too hard basket”. Actually, this was very typical of the way we approached a lot of the greater questions in life, and this became the grounds upon which we justified our views and choices. We didn’t expend great energy worrying about, or even discussing, important moral issues like abortion, euthanasia, suffering, death, or the meaning of life. As far as we were concerned those were topics for “the religious”. Nor did we discuss politics or the future of our country. We kept our political and moral views to ourselves, sometimes I think out of fear of interfering in or influencing each other’s personal points of view. We didn’t see the relevance of these issues to our relationship or our future. We would occasionally talk about our work in the office, or solve problems together that arose at work. A typical evening for us consisted in coming home from the office, and preparing dinner in a hurry so that we could settle down to watch our favourite television programmes. Sometimes a hard day at the office would merit us dinner at our favourite restaurant or a glass of wine at a local bar.

5. Finally: Marriage and the Wedding Preparations
When we finally settled on marriage we had been together for eight years. I spent two years excitedly planning our wedding day — my dress, the bridesmaids’ dresses, the food, the flowers — all the practicalities. We had decided on a church wedding. Again it seemed like the right thing to do and I was vaguely aware that it had something to do with “God being there”! Even though my parents had baptised me in the Catholic Church, I was not raised practising my faith. But I was certain that a church wedding would bring that romantic fairytale dimension that everyone dreams about.
We thought of marriage as a mere social institution. And because we had little sound direction, we were very easily lead by the opinions and advice of our friends and the views that pervaded society’s thinking.
As for the topic of children, quite clearly they had no feature in our immediate plans for marriage. The enjoyment of our independence and of our love together was paramount over having children. Not only was I concerned about the effort I would have to invest in raising a child (let alone a rugby team!), but I was also worried about the possibility that I would lose those physical attributes that had attracted Tikitu to me in the first place. Tikitu and I realised that we really did want children but w just couldn’t figure where we’d find space for a child on our inexhaustible wish list which included a car, a house, a career, and those occasional nights out together.

6. The Turning Point
It was precisely at this point that I was introduced to the teachings of Saint Josemaria. Only then did I quickly realise that it was my heart that had no space for a child. I was really challenged at that point to see the limitations of my own selfishness, not only in my attitude toward having children, but in my concept of what real love is. Underlying my struggle to come to terms with having a child was a kind of love that was calculating and cold, one that resists having demands put on it. Up until now, we had perhaps understood love as a mere satisfaction of emotional, physical and material desire, but at little or no cost whatsoever.

Saint Josemaria said that it was good to struggle and to be demanding on ourselves. Those who love God and get to know Him intimately will learn to struggle with good cheer and will facilitate the way of sanctity for others. Love God and you will struggle cheerfully. That seemed like a very simple message and he made it look simple because he loved God with all his heart and he showed this love by going about his daily work with so much naturalness and cheerfulness. I came to admire his example as a servant of God who lived a selfless life of love carried out through work, prayer and sacrifice. Contrary to my belief that happiness and struggle were opposed to each other, Saint Josemaria showed me how it was possible to marry pain and suffering with happiness and fulfillment. His modern-day example of Christ — teaching me how to love the way God loves — unselfishly, forgivingly, and infinitely, was probably the most powerful catalyst which lead to a reassessment of my worldview. I continued to read his works, becoming increasingly convinced that in order to be truly happy, I had to abandon myself in the hands of God, and live my faith to the full. I began attending Mass on a regular basis and I fell head over heels in love again — with God!

7. Wonderful News
I’ll never forget the day I found out that Tikitu and I were expecting our first child. Tikitu was working in Wellington at that time. I was so overwhelmed with joy. I raced home to call him. I had been reading something very beautiful that Saint Josemaria wrote and I remembered it so vividly in these moments — that God sends children to couples because he trusts them. I truly believed that God was telling us something.

8. Pain, Sorrow and Joy: a Lesson Learnt
Then, some weeks later, Tikitu and I suffered tremendously when I miscarried. At a point where I was just starting to trust in God, I felt betrayed. But I did not lose sight of God — I kept praying and reading Saint Josemaria’s writings. I shared what I was learning with Tikitu. I was still confused and searching, but never became bitter. Humanly speaking, it was a very difficult time — but the grace of God helped me to trust in His mercy. Above all, I think the experience taught Tikitu and me a very valuable lesson — that human life is very precious — so we should never close the doors to life. Accept children openly. From that point on we never said “no” to bringing a new life into the world, and we are so grateful to God for the gift of our first son that followed a year later. The birth of our first child was undoubtedly the most incredible experience that Tikitu and I will ever encounter together in this life. And I think that that was the moment when Tikitu and I truly realised the extent of God’s love for us. We have never looked back and have welcomed all our children lovingly and with an open heart!

9. Hard Work, Struggle and Sacrifice
We soon discovered that raising a child was very hard work! I’m sure every parent can testify to that. But Saint Josemaria taught us to struggle in the little things of ordinary life, particularly the human virtues, because eventually that struggle will lead us to become better people. Even though being a parent, perhaps even more so a mother, is not always a bed of roses, it is a privilege earned through hard work and perseverance, through continual daily recommitment to the importance of that work. The experience of parenthood forced us to confront the very worst in ourselves. I have had to learn to be patient and calm, not only with the children, but also with Tikitu. And I have learned to be prudent and to hold my sharp tongue when I am tired or when he snapped at me because he was tired. I have had to struggle against my moodiness, pride and stubbornness which was the cause of many of our arguments, and to struggle against my whims and superficial fancies. The sacrifices that we have made together for the sake of our children have helped to make us more united in our love.
Once he arrived home very late without phoning me. Dinner had been ready for 3/4 hr and it was getting cold. We make it a policy in our house to always eat dinner together, so the children were hungry waiting for him. The bath was running, and I was annoyed and certainly in no mood to go rushing to the door to greet him. In fact I remember rehearsing the speech I was going to deliver when he arrived, and I was going to be certain that he took over the bathing of the children since he was so late. But instead when he arrived I gave one glance at the small gold crucifix hanging on the wall, asked God to help me to be calm, and scurried to the door with the children to greet him with a kiss.

10. Growing in Virtue
There have been many moments when I have wanted to “quit” being a mother, but I realize that my moments of inadequacy have also been my biggest opportunities to grow in virtue. Sometimes when things were difficult I would ask God for help. As Saint Josemaria taught, it is precisely by the conversion of our struggle into prayer, that we overcome the daily battles of life with optimism, hope and continual love — this is the foundation of human strength and happiness. My love for Tikitu has grown so much and I have come to eventually realize and to understand why it was important for our marriage to be blessed by God in the beginning — because He gives us all the graces necessary to make it work through both good and bad times. Because I am better able to deal with my defects, Tikitu and I have fewer outbursts and we respond much more affectionately to each other. Contrary to our beliefs that children would stand in the way of our relationship, it is precisely the fact of having the children that forces us to resolve very quickly any differences that we have. We believe the children have strengthened our marriage. Sometimes they have even helped us to see the funnier side of things.

11. Humour
Saint Josemaria loved humour and in fact it is very useful in our household for diffusing anger or hot tempers. Often Tikitu would leave his pyjamas in the middle of the bedroom floor. I have found that nagging (the thing that my husband reckons women are good at) turns him off, and mini lectures send me following him out the door. However the children have come up with rather novel little ways of pointing out our vices. Nothing is funnier, not to mention humbling, than to see the children perform a role-play of their papa taking off his pyjamas in the morning. We all have a good laugh and it makes for great family entertainment.

12. Love and Dedication and the Desire to Help Each Other Improve
Saint Josemaria encouraged married couples to keep themselves wholly for each other, to keep loving each other, and above all to be dedicated to their spouse as the person they love and admire more than anyone else. I soon learnt that by loving Tikitu and expressing my love with generous little deeds, like taking the time to sit and listen whole-heartedly to him in the evenings, putting a little extra effort into his meals when he is tired, fussing over him on his birthday, taking a cold drink to him when he arrives home on a hot afternoon, or planning a romantic dinner once in a while, he would be in a much more cheerful disposition to be corrected. Likewise he learnt to do the same for me. We came to realize then, that the small corrections were motivated by a desire to help each other improve. Saint Josemaria encouraged women to spoil their husbands with affection and to teach the children to lavish love on their fathers. They will eventually steal his heart and he will be forced to cooperate in their upbringing. This is the key to a married couple’s human happiness as the children will come to admire and respect the unity between their parents, and they will be taught so much about love through parental example. When Tikitu pulls up in the driveway after work, we all rush to the door to greet him. My four year old daughter likes to be the first to take his briefcase as she is always keen to see if he is hiding any sweets in there. He’s normally very tired, and the children are literally jumping and shouting excitedly at him as he struggles up the stairwell with one on his back, one hanging off his neck and two others crying at the door because they missed out on a ride! But he can’t help but smile when we all give him that affectionate kiss at the top of the stairs!

13. Admiration
Tikitu and I try to impress upon the children our admiration for each other. I always get a laugh or two out of it when Tikitu is forced almost at gunpoint to convince the children how much he loves and admires mummy at seven o’clock in the morning when I’ve been up all night with a sick child! Often when we are tired, it is easy to become short with the children and with each other. These moments have provided us with opportunities to explain to the children how hard the other parent works to make them happy and how much we love and admire each other for that. We try not to put each other down in front of the children and if they do happen to witness the occasional dispute, then we are more than ready to apologise to each other in front of them. I am absolutely convinced that Tikitu is inspired by our love for him when I see the look on his face once he realises that the breakfast he was served in bed, with its butter smeared pancakes of varying sizes, and that flower with the half dead petals was prepared solely by his 4-year old daughter.

14. A Cheerful Home

I make an effort to make our home comfortable and aesthetically appealing, and the atmosphere cheerful with regular family get-togethers and fun events in the evening after dinner. I try to teach the children of its importance not only for the sake of ourselves, but because God is also a guest in our house, and a very important one too. I like to remind the children also that papa needs a comfortable, happy home to come home to after working so hard all day. And he needs to see that his family is happy and full of joy. The extra detail extends beyond the home environment to keeping myself looking good for Tikitu as well.

Making a home cheerful requires effort and self-control. I have to make demands on myself to be orderly so as to avoid causing chaos in the family. I have had to try to exercise a bit of self-control when talking with friends on the phone, otherwise the children get up to all sorts of crazy antics like the day the children tried to make cereal for their dinner. Consequently Tikitu arrived at the gate to the smell of burnt meat, a house full of ill-tempered individuals and toys that looked like they’d been tossed by a tornado! There have been many moments like these and I have learnt some lessons from them. But as Saint Josemaria taught, we have to assess and reassess ourselves everyday. We can always learn from our mistakes and begin again, every day with God — each day trying to be a bit better than the previous. We need to ask ourselves constantly, where did I go wrong? How can I improve? What do I need to change?

15. Concluding remarks
It goes without saying that the richness I have discovered in our married life is something I learnt about through the teachings of Saint Josemaria. The selfish, idealistic view of love I saw through those rose-coloured lenses has matured and found a fullness of expression through our renewed commitment to each other. We cannot imagine how our married life would be without children. The fact of having children has lead us to have to dedicate ourselves generously to something we consider to be worthwhile. I might still have been calculating my way into the new millennium if I had not discovered Saint Josemaria’s message! I know for sure that apart from enriching our marriage, our children have also given to our parents (their grandparents) a future that they can always look forward to. Their youthfulness and thirst for life are full of zeal as a result of having grandchildren. Our children are our most valued assets, the most treasured of all our projects.

Having learnt from the mistakes of our past, our task is now to teach them how to love with a generous heart. We know from our own experience, that we have to be that example for them. We want their lives to be driven by their faith and their love of God. We have every confidence that they will grow up to be fine men and women who are prepared to give themselves at the service of God. But this confidence is inspired not by wishful thinking alone, but by hard work, struggle and sacrifice on our part as their parents. There are moments when I have felt the urge to give up — that is human nature. That is why I am so grateful to God for the gift of Saint Josemaria, who will always remind us never to give up. Keep struggling, keep working hard. The fruit will be your sanctity. That was his message to everyone.